I guess I haven’t gotten back into the habit of writing on a regular basis, like I had hoped when I finally started blogging again. BUT it’s the summer in academia! AND I’m still in the trenches of anhedonia! (It’s wild to me that spellcheck doesn’t recognize the word anhedonia.)

So let’s get into it then. I can’t experience pleasure. It could be a dopamine issue, or perhaps a perimenopause hormone issue, but either way, it really, really sucks. Household chores that used to be no big deal are now a huge burden. Crafting or time with friends just feels meh. Anything above and beyond the basics at work seems near impossible. I hate it. My house is a mess and I feel completely useless.

I’m incredibly fortunate to be at a place in my career that I can coast for a bit while I try to figure things out, but I don’t like the feeling. I like being helpful. I like being an asset. I don’t like being a dead weight.

Recommended treatment for anhedonia is antidepressants and exposure therapy, but so far the Prozac and “fun” day trips don’t seem to be putting a dent in this feeling of feeling nothing. Unfortunately my psych PA decided to leave the practice, and I had to wait almost a month for an appointment with the new PA, who appears to be taking on all the old PA’s clients, plus their own. Not ideal. That said, my appointment is finally coming up next week, and I’m hoping she can do an add-on with the Prozac, something like Wellbutrin or Remeron or Rexulti.

I already tried a course of ketamine, which you can just order off the internet these days if you’ve got the cash. (I was super hopeful that the ketamine therapy would work, but it was just a temporary escape from the blahs.)

Anyway…. I’m writing this just to write SOMETHING, because I’ve gone full introvert and generally don’t feel like communicating as ardently as I did when I was younger. I’ve been considering starting journalling again, but it’s hard to form habits when you’re not getting much of a dopamine reward for following through on things.